Dear potential client/individual with an anxious attachment style,

I know you feel anxious about the state of your relationships (family, plutonic, and romantic). This is what brings you to therapy. You’re constantly wondering if people in your life care about you or if you’re important to them, and this worry makes you feel out of control. It’s overwhelming. You learned ways to stay in control and feel safe, like overanalyzing situations, repeatedly asking for reassurance, and needing constant contact. Still, somehow, these strategies have left you feeling more alone. You don’t mean to push others away. In fact, you care so much about them and the relationship that the thought of them abandoning you scares you, so you fight – for the relationship.

Your struggles are real and valid, and I see your good intentions. But with your fight, everything stays the same.

Your frustration and anger simmer as your loved ones are not meeting your emotional needs or responding to your bids for connection. Your nervous system perceives this as a threat to your relationship, a potential rejection or disconnection, so you feel compelled to speak up and speak louder. When nothing changes, you keep on pushing. Oh, but there’s shame present there as you think, why am I so needy? Why am I trying so hard? I get it; there’s hope in pushing because, even if it leads to another fight, at least they are responding to you – that is more of a connection than their silence. But oh, how exhausting it is to form and maintain a relationship with all this uncertainty and fear.

I see you. I see your yearning for reassurance and connection.

You feel a sense of relief when I step into the feelings with you, leaning into your frustration and anger. No one has ventured into this territory with you before. Finally, someone isn’t afraid, and you feel less alone for once. What you need is for someone to be there for you as you feel, to be a witness to your experience. I’m listening and offering my steadfast presence as you navigate the stormy seas.

I’m here with you, walking alongside you. I’m not afraid.

You may wonder, Why are you here with me? Why don’t you leave like everyone else? Why do you believe in me when I don’t believe in myself? But then there’s a moment where it sinks in that I’m here, that I’m still here even after what you’ve shared with me, and you start showing your underbelly, the part of you that doesn’t get seen much because it has always been forced to fight and strategize. We started to walk around in this space, and you showed me these parts of yourself that you were too afraid to share with others.

You are not alone anymore. You are seen. You are accepted. You are safe.

You are worthy of love. One day, you’ll have the courage and strength to share these parts of yourself with those you care about. They long to know you deeply and to be there for you in those hard places. They see the beauty within you, even when you don’t see it yourself, and they want your light to shine. They are your biggest fans, and they can’t wait to cheer you on.