Have you ever reacted to a situation and later wondered, Why did I do that? Maybe you snapped at your partner during a tense conversation or felt unexpectedly overwhelmed in a social setting. These emotional responses often stem from how our nervous system interprets the world around us. By understanding how it works, we can better navigate these challenging moments—and that’s where Polyvagal Theory comes in.
Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory explores how our body’s nervous system regulates emotional and physical responses to stress, safety, and connection. As a therapist, I’ve seen how this knowledge can empower individuals and couples to better understand themselves and their relationships. By recognizing your body’s responses, you can start to manage stress more effectively, improve communication, and foster stronger, healthier relationships.
Let’s break down the basics of Polyvagal Theory and how you can apply it to your everyday life. Think of it like navigating a road trip—sometimes you’re cruising down an open highway, and other times you hit unexpected roadblocks. Understanding the ‘road signs’ of our nervous systems can help us drive through challenging moments with more awareness and control.
The Basics of Polyvagal Theory: Understanding Your Nervous System
Polyvagal Theory explains how our nervous systems continuously evaluate whether we’re in a state of safety or danger. This process happens automatically, shaping our ability to think clearly, connect with others, or respond to stress.
According to Polyvagal Theory, the nervous system has three primary states:
- Ventral Vagal State: Safe and Connected
In the ventral vagal state, your nervous system feels calm and secure. We’re able to engage socially, communicate effectively, and think clearly. Imagine cruising down an open highway with your favorite music playing—life feels manageable and enjoyable. In relationships, this state allows for thoughtful conversations and emotional connection. Even when faced with difficult moments, you’re more likely to respond with empathy and composure. - Sympathetic State: Fight or Flight
When your nervous system perceives danger, it activates the sympathetic state, triggering the fight-or-flight response. This is like encountering a roadblock or a detour on your roadtrip—your body becomes alert and ready to act. In this state, you may experience physical signs of stress, like a racing heart, shallow breathing, or tense muscles. Emotionally, it might feel like anxiety, irritability, or defensiveness. In relationships, this often leads to arguments, withdrawal, or impulsive reactions. Communication becomes difficult. Recognizing this state can help you pause, breathe, and regain control before responding. - Dorsal Vagal State: Shutdown and Freeze
When stress becomes overwhelming, your nervous system may shift into the dorsal vagal state—a state of freeze or shutdown. This feels like pulling over during a storm because the conditions are too overwhelming to continue.
In this state, you might feel numb, disconnected, avoidant, or even dissociated from our surroundings.. While this is your body’s way of protecting you, staying here too long can lead to challenges in relationships, like emotional withdrawal or feeling stuck. The good news is that by recognizing when you’re in the dorsal vagal state, you can use specific techniques—like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or taking a break—to slowly bring yourself back to a place of safety and connection.
Applying Polyvagal Theory to Your Everyday Life
Understanding these three states of the nervous system can help us make sense of our emotional reactions and how they impact our relationships. It’s like having a map for your road trip—knowing the signs of stress and calm helps you navigate your journey more smoothly.
Here are a few practical ways to apply Polyvagal Theory to your everyday life:
- Check In with Your Body: Before you react to a situation, take a moment to check in with your body. Are you feeling calm and connected, or is your nervous system in fight-or-flight mode? This awareness allows you to pause and adjust your response. For example, if you’re in a heated argument with your partner and feel your heart racing, recognize that your sympathetic nervous system is kicking in. Instead of reacting immediately, take a deep breath, step back, and give yourself a moment to reset.
- Practice Grounding Techniques: If you’re in the fight-or-flight (sympathetic) or freeze state (dorsal), grounding exercises can help you return to a sense of safety. Try:
- Deep breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six.
- Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups one by one.
- Sensory focus: Name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
- Deep breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six.
- Communicate with Awareness: When calm (ventral vagal state), communication is more empathetic and effective. If you’re overwhelmed or feeling defensive, express your needs clearly: “I feel stressed right now and need a moment to process.” This fosters understanding and connection, even during tense moments.
- Be Kind to Yourself: Polyvagal Theory reminds us that our nervous system is trying to protect us. It’s important to treat yourself with kindness when you find yourself in a stressed or shut-down state. Instead of criticizing yourself for “overreacting,” acknowledge your body’s effort to keep you safe. Treat yourself with compassion and use tools like breathing exercises to reset.
Why Understanding Polyvagal Theory Matters
Polyvagal Theory helps us make sense of our emotional responses and provides a framework for improving emotional regulation and relationships. By recognizing the three states—ventral vagal (calm), sympathetic (fight or flight), and dorsal vagal (shutdown)—you can navigate challenges with greater awareness and resilience.
Think of your emotions as part of a road trip: some days, the journey is smooth; other days, it’s full of detours. With the right tools and a supportive guide, you can stay on course and handle obstacles with confidence.
If stress or emotional reactivity is impacting your relationships or well-being, therapy can help. Together, we’ll explore your nervous system’s patterns and develop strategies to make your journey smoother and more fulfilling.
About the Author
Allison Kalivas, MA, MFTC
Allison Kalivas, MFTC is an empowering therapist who brings her genuine care and curiosity to each person she works with. Her specialties include EMDR, Eating Disorder Recovery, and Psychedelic Assisted Therapy. Allison’s is not afraid to be in a tough place with you. She knows that coming into therapy can be a vulnerable experience. She will be your co-pilot, sitting with you in your experience and motivating you to focus on your goals.
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