It can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening when couples find themselves stuck in the same recurring arguments or negative cycles. It often feels like no progress is being made, leaving both partners feeling distant and disconnected. Breaking out of these patterns can be challenging, but reconnection is possible when couples acknowledge the issues and actively work to address them. This process may involve open and honest communication, seeking professional help, or exploring new ways to approach and resolve conflicts. Taking proactive steps to break these cycles can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
Understanding the Impact of Past Trauma on Relationships
We all carry past experiences that influence our relationship dynamics. When one or both partners carry unprocessed trauma, it can be particularly difficult to stop and change the negative cycle between them. For example, when a child grows up feeling abandoned or unsafe with their caregivers, they may develop a deep sense of mistrust and fear of rejection that follows them into adulthood. Even in a loving partnership, this person might struggle with emotional closeness, constantly fearing their partner will leave or betray them, even if there’s no evidence to support these fears. This emotional wound from the past can cause defensive reactions, unintentionally pushing their partner away and reinforcing the feelings of isolation and pain rooted in their trauma.
Unpacking Past Trauma to Heal and Strengthen Relationship
Trauma impacts both partners in a relationship. Oftentimes, people don’t realize how much their past experiences shape their current relationship until problems arise. Then, instead of recognizing and acknowledging the influence of past trauma in their reaction to a situation, they blame their partner. Couples who find themselves in this dynamic and who are committed to improving their relationship can benefit from couples therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) focuses on helping couples build secure emotional bonds by addressing negative interactional patterns and fostering open, empathetic communication. In this process, couples affected by trauma begin to unpack how their current conflicts are rooted in past experiences that are fueling their current negative cycle. With compassionate exploration, they come to understand that their intense reactions to their partner’s behavior may actually stem from unresolved past pain or trauma, rather than issues within the current relationship. There’s often relief in recognizing that their reactivity existed long before this relationship; there’s hope for the relationship.
Enhancing Couples Therapy with EMDR Integration
Many couples therapy models, including EFT, focus on working in the present moment, which is a highly effective approach. Despite their best efforts, some couples find it difficult to break free from their negative cycle. This may be because one or both partners are getting activated by past wounds, making it challenging for them to stay present and engaged in the moment. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be an effective method in helping these partners address the unresolved trauma or past negative experiences that is creating a block to the couples work. By processing and clearing past memories, partners can lessen their emotional reactivity, thereby enhancing their ability to stay present in the moment, hear their partner with openness and curiosity, and respond to their partner’s reach for connection.
Healing Past Wounds in Relationship
Healing past trauma leads to a secure relationship, and a secure relationship leads to healing past trauma. Utilizing therapeutic approaches such as EFT and EMDR can provide valuable tools for couples committed to addressing recurring issues and patterns within their relationship that are rooted in past trauma. EFT helps couples recognize and make sense of the patterns underlying their conflicts while fostering enough safety in the relationship to explore deeper emotions, while EMDR addresses the unresolved trauma that fuels these reactions. Couples often experience an aha moment when they realize their emotional reactions aren’t just about the present relationship—for instance, recognizing that the feeling of being treated like they’re not good enough or like a failure mirrors the emotions they experienced as a child, perhaps when a parent berated them due to their own struggles. The criticized partner begins to see that their partner’s behavior isn’t about them being inadequate, but rather a response to old, unresolved wounds. This insight allows both partners to recognize that the reactivity is not personal, creating space for healing and understanding. This integrative approach is a powerful empathy builder and connection driver between couples as they gain a deeper understanding of each other’s behaviors and reactions. This enhanced empathy and insight can lead to healthier communication and a strong emotional connection. Recognizing the impact of past experiences and working collaboratively to overcome challenges builds a stronger and more resilient partnership.
About the Author
Dorothy Moon, PsyD, LCP
Dr. Dorothy Moon is a psychologist with 15+ years of experience, she is a gifted couples and EMDR therapist who provides intensives to clients ready to dive in to healing. Dorothy is a certified EFT clinician. She uses EMDR, EFT, and somatic therapies to help adults and couples on a range of struggles including anxiety, depression, trauma, racial identity, cultural influences, life transitions, and relationship issues.
Interested in Learning More?
If you are interested in connecting with support, our specialized team is here to help. You are not alone. Call 720-675-7123 or contact us below.
