Editor’s Note: Susan wrote this reflection on a snowy spring day. As we move deeper into the season of growth and light, her words about tending to dark emotions feel even more relevant.
On this chilly, snowy day, I find myself revisiting a favorite post on dark emotions, sitting with exile parts—both my clients’ and my own. After two gorgeous spring days, I’m welcoming the return of moisture, knowing it’s what coaxes the budding foliage and green grass to life.
In truth, I love snowy days. There’s nothing quite like water and ice crystals to reflect the resonance of our inner darkness. Nature so often meets us exactly where we are.
What Are Exile Parts in IFS?
Within each of us live parts that carry dark emotions such as sadness, depression, anger, grief, numbness, and disconnection. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, we learn that these parts often carry burdens—painful beliefs like I’m unworthy, I’m bad, I’m shameful, or I’m all alone. When these burdens become too overwhelming, the parts are exiled—pushed out of awareness so the rest of the system doesn’t have to feel their pain.
The High Cost of Disconnection
Writer and dreamwork analyst Toko-Pa Turner observes:
“The feeling of disconnection and numbness that afflicts so many people’s lives comes from habitually absenting ourselves from our difficult experiences.”
Somewhere along the way, we begin to believe that suffering means something is wrong with us. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Grief teacher Martín Prechtel puts it plainly: in modern culture, most people “are left to swallow their grief and just get on with it.” But ironically, these very parts that carry dark emotions also hold the seeds of joy, playfulness, and creativity—gifts that are sacrificed in our efforts to avoid pain or even the fear of being emotionally annihilated.
The Seeds of Healing Live in the Pain
For those carrying dark emotions such as sorrow, anger, or grief, the path toward discovering “the power hidden in the heart of the pain” demands persistence, perseverance, and courage, three qualities that founder of IFS, Richard Schwartz attributes to authentic Self or essence.
A friend recently remarked that staying stuck can feel easier than opening to the healing power of Self—it’s a familiar discomfort. Dissociation and depression can become a kind of home, keeping us from traversing our pain.
But inevitably, there comes a point where enduring pain becomes intolerable. Whether we choose to traverse the terrain of trauma or remain buried within it—both are hard. Yet it’s in traveling through the pain, to its heart, that hope becomes possible, where the ice crystals melt and give way to new birth.
“Traveling to the heart of pain and vulnerability is where hope becomes most real.”
How Do We Heal? Presence Is the First Step
So how do we do this?
How do we meet our own weary protector parts and exile parts—and those of others—with compassion? IFS helps us with emotional healing very simply.
We presence them.
We slow down enough to listen. We create space to feel.
No Fixing, Just Compassionate Attention
As Barbara Brown Taylor says in her post on dark emotions:
“The best thing to do when sadness has your arms twisted behind your back is to sit down with the saddest child [part] you know and say, ‘Tell me about it. I have all day.’”
In IFS, this kind of presence is soft, patient, and directed only by Self who compassionately understands. There is no rush. No fixing. No forced optimism.
In fact, overly cheerful energy or eager reassurance can feel disorienting to parts who’ve been alone in the dark for years. Their young protectors may not trust gushing warmth or hollow reassurances.
The Power of Gentle, Grounded Love
Instead, something simple, grounded, and tender—like Parker Palmer’s story of a friend rubbing his feet in the depths of his depression—can begin to soften these parts into Self. Bit by bit. And once that trust begins to grow, quiet compassion can do its work.
Bit by bit, these gestures of love and attunement allow our parts to soften into Self, healing grief and sadness.
And then, quiet compassion does the rest.
This is the path of endarkenment—not a descent into despair, but a courageous turning inward, where even the darkest places hold wisdom, creativity, and healing.
Interested in exploring IFS Therapy?
Contact The Catalyst Center to learn more about Internal Systems Therapy.
Call schedule a free introductory call or contact us.
About the Author
Susan Smith, LPC
Susan Smith, MA, LPC, is a dedicated therapist with over 19 years of experience helping adult, teen, and child clients heal from trauma, anxiety, and depression. Specializing in EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS), Susan provides a safe, nurturing space for clients to explore their inner worlds and build resilience. She also supports children and families through sandtray play therapy and parent coaching, empowering lasting growth and emotional freedom.
