Something Bad Happened; Now What? Responding to Children After a Traumatic Event

As hard as we try to protect our children from trauma, we are frequently unable to foresee or prevent our children from experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event(s). What we can do in the critical moments after learning about the trauma can help to reduce trauma-associated symptoms.

When a child experiences a trauma, the whole family system is impacted. The ripple effects can extend far beyond the child. Parents, caregivers, siblings, and others in the caregiving system can be deeply affected by the trauma. Depending on the type of trauma, new systems that are unfamiliar or even frightening to a child may become involved. Trauma can be a very unfamiliar place for children and families to find themselves, and just like we prepare for a trip, it may be helpful to have a roadmap to navigate all of the systems, emotions, and thoughts that can occur during a time of crisis. 

Some Do’s and things to Avoid during the aftermath of trauma:

Do’s:

• Reassure your child and other children in the family of their safety in the here and now (if true).
• Tell the truth at a developmentally appropriate level.  When we try to “protect our children from information after a trauma has occurred, we can sometimes send the message, “You Can’t Handle This.” 
• Maintain rules, structure, and routine. This is the best way to communicate and instill a felt sense of safety.
• Let your child know it’s not their fault. 
• Stay connected physically and emotionally. If you need a break (and you will), provide your child with a safe caregiver while you meet your needs. 
• Let your child remain attuned to their body and thoughts.
• If it is a collective trauma and memories or experiences aren’t shared, allow each experience and memory to be okay and acknowledged.
• Allow your child to talk or play about the trauma – this can be very challenging for the people who love the child. Try to avoid shutting the child down because of your associated pain.
• If you don’t know the answers to your child’s questions, let them know. It’s okay not to know, and also let them know you will try to find the answer.
• Accept help. 
• Seek support from professionals not only for your child but for yourself. 
• Practice self-compassion.

Avoid:

• Asking your child questions about the trauma.
• Dismissing your own emotions.
• Providing explanations or answering questions of supportive friends and family members when you don’t want to.
• Escaping thoughts and feelings through substances.
• Acting as if nothing happened. 

Most importantly, after a traumatic event, be okay with not being OK. It’s OK to be in the “yuck.” Allow yourself to lean into the support of others to guide you through darkness to light. 

If you need more help and guidance, we provide Child and Family Therapy here at the Catalyst Center with therapists who specialize in working with all kinds of trauma. You are not alone. Call 720.675.7123 or fill out a contact form, and someone from our administration will contact you shortly.